Let go

  Today is 5th of Jan, 2014.

  I have always wanted to be an adult. A grown-up. When I become an adult, I thought, I would be different. It would be different. The world would be different.

  But now that I've turned 20(in Korean age), I realised that nothing has changed. Sure, I can watch M18 movies, and buy cigarettes or alcohols from stores without having to lie (Not that I've done it before.).

  What I realise as I grow up is that life, the world, is so much different that I thought it would be. It is much bigger and much more meaningful. The world is a beautiful place. The man-kind is an amazing race. We indulge ourselves in intellectual communications with our friends and enjoy the sweet fruit of the man-kind's imagination and perseverance.

  I love life. I enjoy it.

  Not everyone does, though.

  I have a friend from Korea staying with me right now in my house. She's going to be living with me for a month. When she first came here, I believed she came here to relax but what she did everyday was to sit in front of the desk and study.

  Study, study, study.

  She did go out with me of course when she wanted to go out for shopping or it was new year's eve or something. Anyway, she saw me gaming and well, she asked if she could try. And since then, she let go of studying. For three days, she gamed and we watched movies at home.

  So I got a little worried and I told her she should study. But it made her cry. She started mumbling 'I don't want to study. I don't want to study' and she just cried there.

  Once, my mom complained to her about how Korean education discourages students of other activities other than studying, and she started crying because she got so scared of not having been studying hard enough. And I thought, wow, she's stressing herself. She's pushing herself too hard. She's just so uptight.

  I don't believe god sent us here so we could study and achieve a successful career. And then die after writhing among the heaps of gold coins (And this isn't even guaranteed, mind you.). I still don't know the meaning of our existence in life or our role in Earth.

  Somebody once told me that we are sent here to make a difference. To make a change. Well, I don't believe that either. If that was the case, what about people in poverty? Are they paying for their sin because they didn't make a difference? Or is it that we don't matter if we were not to make a change? Whichever is the case, I really think that's an idealistic and self-significant way of thinking about the meaning of our existence.

  The closest thought that I agree to is that we don't matter. We are a speck of dust in this huge galaxy. In this whole universe. Maybe we are just meant to be there, but it might not mean anything to any being.

  But we work so hard. We are just a speck of dust in this world. But we work our ass off. We work and work and work.

  Students study. After that, they study more. And then, they work. They work and work and work till they retire. Meanwhile, they support their family so that their children could do the same. Study, study, study. And then, maybe after a short period of life, people die.

  It is true that some people enjoy their lives to the fullest. But it is also true that many people around me live life like what matters is money. And career. And a face. A face to tell everyone proudly that 'Well, I've achieved this. What have you done?'

  I just want to tell them that it's good to let go sometimes. I don't blame them of their hard work. I respect them for it but when I see them torturing themselves and crying because they are pressuring themselves, it just makes me really sad. The one thing that they need to do is to be less harsh on themselves. And it would all be better.

  Philosophy of my life: Learn to let go. Don't be swept. Be less harsh on yourself.

23rd Oct 2013 - Starting my own blog

  I've wondered what was the charm of blogging. I have friends who write on blogs (although none of them show me what they write about, and I wonder what's the point of publishing it on this world wide web then, but still) and I guess I have decided to find out the beauty of it all myself.

  I am totally new to this blogging experience, so much so that I wonder if this gets publicly read or I would be the only reader/writer.

  Anyway, words seem to flow out of my hands and settle themselves nicely on this white blank sheet of paper -on screen- now that I am having this urgency to go and do my work. Ah, but that shall wait.

  My life currently is much like that of a pebble. You don't notice it until you trip over it. It just stays there - and the world knows what the heck it's doing or thinking - and honestly saying, it does nothing. Nothing. I have been doing nothing and I don't plan to do something for the next few weeks or so.

  I know a few people in my life that can't stand the space in time. They must be doing something important, or worthwhile or productive. I have come to realisation that I am totally opposite of that. A relaxed character, I do not mind just enjoying this chain of life that had been given to me. I do know, however, that I should not live on like this, and if I do, I would end up sweeping the road and get killed by a car. But I guess I will enjoy it now that it's time for me to do so.

  My friends are currently really busy studying for their O levels. I feel bad for sitting here and typing useless rants on my new blog while they puke their blood trying to memorise Chinese characters but I guess I will just wait for their exams to be over.

  Oh, I have this confession to make. Sometimes, I think I speak too harshly. A bit too harshly, I guess. (Almost to anyone. Friends, family, etc.) It hurts people, I know. But I have these wonderful bunch of people around me who do not show it, and sometimes, I wish they would tell me straight to my face, 'That was mean, you meanie :( I don't care about what you say.' I wish they realise that I wouldn't be offended, and that I am always, always, whole-heartedly open to their comments about my annoying or sarcastic remarks that may have hurt them.

  And I want you to know that I don't always mean what I say.

Philosophy of my life today:

Let's try to be honest to each other, especially to those whom you love and care for.